The Halfway House (2004)

Evil nuns? Busty lesbians? Big one-eyed monsters with tentacles? – NOW tell me you aren’t interested in this movie! A woman with yellow transistor radios strapped to her ears goes out jogging, but ends up tied to a stone floor with her boobs out. When her sister Larissa shows the police inspector a photo of the missing girl he doesn’t seem to take it seriously (“Nice tits”). So she decides to take things into her own hands – including sergeant “Dick Sheen” (!) and they have a long conversation discussing the missing girl literally while Larissa is naked and bouncing up and down on him. Obviously we all deal with loss in different ways.

lingerie lynchingIt turns out other girls have gone missing from a local Halfway House for troubled ‘girls’ (ahem). Larissa goes under cover, and luckily nobody confuses her with somebody’s mum on a visit. She acts tough, walks around in demin dungarees with one shoulder strap hanging (possibly forgetting it isn’t the 1980s) and stumbles across things like the pervy priest’s full-sized inflatable schoolgirl.

There’s gratuitous nudity and lesbian frolicking (including a ‘sexy’ scene involving rubber gloves and a big tub of vaseline – eeew), and we discover wayward girls like to sleep in skimpy lingerie. There’s even an attempted rape involving a Madonna – no not that Madonna, but yes they do make the obvious joke. A scary nun dishes out stern punishments like “no dessert”, and there’s a janitor who we know is creepy because his shirt buttons are done up all the way.

monster in the cellarFor some reason the basement of The Halfway House is a vast, industrial, Freddy Krueger-like boiler room, with a gothic stone cellar part housing a one-eyed monster that eats hot naked women. All this under one house. And when the nun appears in what looks like a costume from a 1970s Doctor Who episode, well, frankly we know we’re on to a winner.

There are many other amusing things I could mention here, and clear references to other films (Jaws and Aliens in particular). It’s a cheesy exploitation flick, mixed with a 1950s monster movie, and many boobies. Definitely one for beers and mates.


The Halfway House is sometimes broadcast on TV in the UK, and is available to purchase from, and other retailers.

The Halfway House/2004/BV Entertainment Inc/Dir: KJ Hall/Prod: E Polgardy

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